I didn't realize just how long I have disliked public pools...and then I found this piece I wrote over 10 years ago when I had a bunionectomy....yes people a bunionectomy. I inherited bunions and have had em since I was like 9....one of them got so bad I couldn't walk, so I had surgery....best thing I ever could have done....but, as you can see, the aftermath was more than a little cumbersome...Enjoy.
I sincerely have a newfound fondness for retarded pool freaks...You
know the one's I'm talking about. There is always one, sometimes two,
of those freaky, deformed, grossmeoutmypants excuses for human beings,
who enjoy terrorizing local swimming facilities. Well now I am one of
them. The girl with the barf on me twice and call me pukey, mangled,
blue, ugly-ass foot! Yes, my foot although is healing quite nicely as
the doc. says, does not look so pretty. Long gone are the days of Yoga
and Step class, farewell to high heals and dancing - hello you
disgustingly sorry-ass excuse for a foot.
Well, due to the fact that I do not wish to gain yet another ass, I
have decided to take up acquasize. Thinking to myself, well I will just
rush into the water and quickly out so no one will actually see the
foot. But no, apparently you have to take off your shoes before you
actually can get in...rules rules. Not only do you have to remove your
shoes, but you must do so outside of the changing room, in the hall with
everyone else. So I sit my ass on the bench and proceed to remove my
one very stylin shoe and then my other enormously huge, slow person shoe
which comes equiped with velcro for your ease and pleasure....perhaps
that gave me away? Next are the socks, or sock in my case, as the left
foot elegantly sports a blue and pink slipper, and not, I might
add without the essential pompom! Well certainly by now everyone is
curious to see what kind of horriffic deformity I am hiding under there.
So I wait....I pretend that I have lost my keys in my pocket yet again,
or the wall in front of me is extremely interesting....and I wait until
they leave...those laughing, jeering, snickering people with perfect
feet.
I am ready to make my move, as I enter the change room I quickly
find a corner in which to take cover. I hide my foot in the locker. Well
perhaps I don't go that far, but I do see a sign which says those with
communicable diseases shall not be permitted.....geezus, are bunions
communicable???
I finally make it into the pool area, I can feel the gagging stares
of astonishment burning into my foot. Or is it just me, am I the one
who is paranoid? Finally I am in the water, and we have a good workout,
my foot feels alive and well. It kicks, it flutters and twists and
turns...in the water all sterotypes are removed, it is no longer
deformed but just a normal foot.....that no one can see.
Oh no the class is over, everyone saunters out of the pool. I wait
as long as possible, then dart to the showers....which are
communal...damn it! There I look down to see the foot has followed me,
but now its worse. The water has made it soggy, the kicking has made it
swollen and the pressure has made it dark purple...it is a grotesque
piece of meat hanging off my calf. I am horrified. My limp becomes a
little more exaggerated, perhaps they will feel sorry for me? Or... is
it just me, maybe they didn't even notice? Could it be that everyone has
their little "abnormalities," and that mine just happens to be visible?
Are we just imagining these things? Hell NO, we've all seen it, that
women with the back hair, that man with the ingrown toenail, and those
endless amounts of floating bandaids. Don't try to hide it.....cause
honey, that bandaid will not cover that missing arm, deformities are NOT
in the eye of the beholder, the are right there on your ugly-ass foot
for all to see!
So I beg of you, foot to foot, don't oogle, don't stare and please
do not laugh....cause I can see under your bandaid, and sweetheart it
ain't too pretty.
